Okay: I've woken up; sobered up; and changed my picture for the moment so that people can actually take me seriously while I write this. I'm going to write a post right now that will be 100% honest, about everything.
People will have varying degrees of knowledge of what I am actually talking about, relating to the events of last night. I won't explain it in full, all I will say is that last night I joined in on what can without a stretch be called an act of indirect bullying towards a fellow admin. I can't look at other people and think "well they did it too, so why not me?" - I just can't make it any better that way and I won't try to. What I joined in on was not what is to be expected of me, especially since it was only my second day as Head Admin. It was stupid, immature, inconsiderate and a lot more negative adjectives where that came from.
I don't really know why I did it. Maybe I just wanted to get in good with inu and Solid for some reason, even though I didn't have to. Maybe it's because after becoming Head Admin I found myself in so deep in everything that I sort of needed to join into this to distance myself from it all; an act of defiance, as it were.
I will not say that last night wasn't a lot of fun. (I said this would be a completely honest post, and it is.) But I can truly say that I felt my conscience throughout, and I never really felt comfortable until we started doing other things - making fun of me by making jokes about my fedora; uploading pictures of my grandmother, etc. That does not make it much better though, I realise that.
So I write this right now to publicly make known (essentially) what I did and why, and to truly apologise for it. Mostly to the person we joked around about, but also to everyone of the staff and the community as a whole. This is not what I as a Head Admin - hell, as a person - can go around doing.
And now I wanted to switch over to a related topic that I was already thinking of addressing some time. I feel like this might be an appropriate moment. What I wanted to talk about is actually my position. Last night while playing CS:GO, inu asked me, genuinely asked me, why I am staying in this community. Not to get me out of here or to persuade me to go somewhere else, but because he really wanted to know. Why am I staying when I could go off to another, better organised community and use my "talents" there?
So now I will tell everyone exactly what I said to him. Why I became Head Admin is because someone had to step up and do it, and I was the man for the job; even though I didn't see myself taking it when I first brought up that we needed one. I thought that I might be able to salvage the community I guess, or something like that. But just me doing the organising will not be enough, and Panda will never take off until the owner really starts doing what the owner has to do.
But that is not what really makes me stay. I'm not staying for Kevin; I'm not staying to help him out in this "mess" or anything like that. I don't stay because I want to change what's above. I stay simply because I've grown used to this place here. I care about the little things. I like sitting in Dodgeball adminning around. I like playing VSH. I like being a mentor to people and teaching them what I do and what I think is right. I care about the admins.
And more specifically relating to "spending my talents on a place that deserves it", I said the following. I don't see my managing position as a talent in the way coding is or something, that has to be spent on a place that deserves it. I just do it for the sake of doing it. I do it because I want to, not because I want to be in a community that I trust will grow super big; if that had been the case I would probably be gone.
So that's just it. I still care about a lot of things, and those things make me stay.
To round off this (very long) thread, I would just like to repeat my apology. What I did wasn't me, and it shouldn't be done on any community, big or small or with much or little potential.
Still your Head Admin,
- Evo
People will have varying degrees of knowledge of what I am actually talking about, relating to the events of last night. I won't explain it in full, all I will say is that last night I joined in on what can without a stretch be called an act of indirect bullying towards a fellow admin. I can't look at other people and think "well they did it too, so why not me?" - I just can't make it any better that way and I won't try to. What I joined in on was not what is to be expected of me, especially since it was only my second day as Head Admin. It was stupid, immature, inconsiderate and a lot more negative adjectives where that came from.
I don't really know why I did it. Maybe I just wanted to get in good with inu and Solid for some reason, even though I didn't have to. Maybe it's because after becoming Head Admin I found myself in so deep in everything that I sort of needed to join into this to distance myself from it all; an act of defiance, as it were.
I will not say that last night wasn't a lot of fun. (I said this would be a completely honest post, and it is.) But I can truly say that I felt my conscience throughout, and I never really felt comfortable until we started doing other things - making fun of me by making jokes about my fedora; uploading pictures of my grandmother, etc. That does not make it much better though, I realise that.
So I write this right now to publicly make known (essentially) what I did and why, and to truly apologise for it. Mostly to the person we joked around about, but also to everyone of the staff and the community as a whole. This is not what I as a Head Admin - hell, as a person - can go around doing.
And now I wanted to switch over to a related topic that I was already thinking of addressing some time. I feel like this might be an appropriate moment. What I wanted to talk about is actually my position. Last night while playing CS:GO, inu asked me, genuinely asked me, why I am staying in this community. Not to get me out of here or to persuade me to go somewhere else, but because he really wanted to know. Why am I staying when I could go off to another, better organised community and use my "talents" there?
So now I will tell everyone exactly what I said to him. Why I became Head Admin is because someone had to step up and do it, and I was the man for the job; even though I didn't see myself taking it when I first brought up that we needed one. I thought that I might be able to salvage the community I guess, or something like that. But just me doing the organising will not be enough, and Panda will never take off until the owner really starts doing what the owner has to do.
But that is not what really makes me stay. I'm not staying for Kevin; I'm not staying to help him out in this "mess" or anything like that. I don't stay because I want to change what's above. I stay simply because I've grown used to this place here. I care about the little things. I like sitting in Dodgeball adminning around. I like playing VSH. I like being a mentor to people and teaching them what I do and what I think is right. I care about the admins.
And more specifically relating to "spending my talents on a place that deserves it", I said the following. I don't see my managing position as a talent in the way coding is or something, that has to be spent on a place that deserves it. I just do it for the sake of doing it. I do it because I want to, not because I want to be in a community that I trust will grow super big; if that had been the case I would probably be gone.
So that's just it. I still care about a lot of things, and those things make me stay.
To round off this (very long) thread, I would just like to repeat my apology. What I did wasn't me, and it shouldn't be done on any community, big or small or with much or little potential.
Still your Head Admin,
- Evo
.
